limbo

I haven’t blogged very much lately. My computer was in the repair shop for a couple of weeks but I had use of Bean’s old lap top so I could have posted if I wanted to. Truth is, I haven’t really felt like I’ve had very much nice to write, so I haven’t bothered to write anything. Everything I’m feeling is so priviliged and whingey, which is pretty much what this whole post is about…

Right now I feel that our life is in limbo. We are suspended in time, just waiting for the life we intended to live to begin.

Here we are, stuck in a town we never meant to live in. Even though we chose to move here as a stepping stone to moving to a town nearby (but too far to be a part of right  now) it certainly wasn’t part of the plan to stay here for a year. You see, we were just passing through.

Now, it’s been a year. We still don’t have a friendship group. We have a couple of friends, but we really need more than a couple of friends because friends get busy with their own lives and can’t possibly be expected to meet all our socialising desires no matter how nice they are. I sort of know my way around here now, and I know lots of places that are really lovely, but at the same time our visits to those places are tainted with an impatience on my part. I’m not suppose to still be here you know?

The thing is, the longer I stay here the less sure I am that I know where I’m meant to be. A year ago I was sure it was in that nearby but not near enough town, and now I’m quite unsure that’s the place. I’m left wondering if I’ll ever find my place in this world.

Our house, it’s not a home. It’s just a place we’re staying right now, while we wait for real life to begin.

I try so hard to view it as a home… it’s just that (aside from the location) the double garage, laminate benches, cheap vinyl floor, cheap carpet, aluminium window frames, the boxy legolandness of it and lack of hanging hooks on the walls make it hard to view it as my home.

Meanwhile, pinterest is like my virtual glory box. Bookmarked pictures of wooden floors (some painted white, some clear coated or oiled), porcelain sinks, weatherboard homes, stained glass windows, wooden window frames, claw foot baths, ornate doors and lovely little DIY projects wait for the day that we have a home of our own again.

It’s not just the look of this place, or the location though. Renting is getting me down. The temporary nature of it just goes against my strong desire to put down roots, to anchor ourselves to a home, a patch of earth, a community. We have a rent inspection next week too, and while I understand a desire to make sure the tenants aren’t destroying the ever so important investment property I just can’t help but bristle at the invasion of my privacy. I keep a very clean and ordered house and I feel irritated that someone else (who may or may not keep a clean home) has a right to come in to my house and judge whether we’re clean enough, good enough, to live here. I’m confident there’ll be no problem, the house and yard are in better condition than when we got here, but it’s still awful. The worst of it is that the day of the inspection is Bean’s birthday and we’d much rather be enjoying a lunch time roast than making ourselves scarce lest the sproggets strew their toys around the house as they do when they’re home.

I have seen lots of inspirational pinterest quotes lately that say things to the effect of home is where family is, or the best thing about home is the people we share it with, and while it gives me a warm glow in my heart to read things like that I find it harder to really believe it when I see the damage that here is doing to my family.

The sprogs don’t have friends to play with regularly, they’re very isolated which is terrible for them since they’re so social, much more so than I. Seeing them so lonely breaks my heart more than my own feeling of loneliness ever could. Not only are they lonely, they’re bored too and they are harder to get along with when they’re bored. They try to stir each other up and generally cause mischief.

We’re still drowning a bit in financial obligations too. The simple maths is that the repayments and other general outgoings exceed the income, and that leads to a lot of stressing for me and Bean.

We still haven’t been able to afford a new mattress (even an old one), so we’ve been sleeping on a foam egg cup mattress topper for 7 weeks now. Oh how my body just hurts. I’m feeling tired and sore, every night that goes by without a proper mattress is compounding those feelings to a point where I’ve felt that I’m spiralling down into a dark headspace, unable to see positives where they definitely exist, unable to find joy in the days spent with the sprogs. I’ve been snappy and cranky, generally a pretty horrid person to live with really.

Thankfully my dear Mum has offered to buy us a mattress, she thinks she’s just giving it to us, but we’re just adding it to the list of things we owe her for. We hope to pay her back very soon actually, because we’ve got some great plans to get us out of debt and to the end of limbo-land fairly quickly. It’ll require some hard work and sacrifices but we hope it will pay off, hey we wouldn’t do it if we didn’t would we?!

Stay tuned, when it’s official I’ll write about it…

 

posted by wildecrafted in journal and have Comments (6)

settled (in a fashion)

Wow! What a month it’s been.

As briefly mentioned in a previous post, we have moved in to our new place. I like to call it Legolandia. Let me describe the neighbourhood for you…

Double garage. Double garage. Double garage. Double garage…

It’s a bit soul destroying really.

Thankfully, while the view out the front is as I’ve just described, the view out the back glass doors is this.

Which redeems the place somewhat.

We have moved and unpacked (pretty much) everything. The house is huge, and we haven’t got much furniture* so the house echoes. The already noisey sprog noise is amplified, so I’m keen to get some quilted wall hangings on the walls to deaden the sound a bit – which is an achievable goal** now that I have a dedicated sewing/art room (squee!).

My sewing room isn’t properly set up yet, unfortunately it’s not been able to be a priority yet since I had some assignments to do and the more practical areas of the house to set up. Now all of that is done, and so I can get on to sorting out my fabric stash and setting up my machine. For all these excuses, since the rest of the house was unpacked and my assignments handed in I have lacked the motivation to set my room up, some days I could probaby find snippets of time to do little bits here and there which would all add up to a functional and productive space in no time, but I haven’t really felt very driven to take those opportunities.

Being in this house has been a bit of a challenge for me, particularly as it hits me that we’re staying in Albany for another year (well, 11 months now, but who’s counting huh?). It’s not beautiful. Not to me. It feels like I’m visiting someone else, it doesn’t feel like my home. I’m fully aware this is such a wanky, middle class thing to whinge about… but indulge me, please?

The yard is bare. Builder’s sand, dead lawn and some very sick looking lavender bushes. That’s certainly saying something… when do you ever see sick looking lavender bushes? Lavender is so hardy!

I’m working on it though… My pot plants all together on the back patio make that part of the yard look beautiful, and at the weekend I transplanted a heap of gotu kola into the bare space between the path and retaining wall down the side of the house. At the top of the same retaining wall I planted some native violet. I chose them because they both survive well in low light situations and that area only gets direct sunlight for around 1-2 hours per day. Soon they’ll both begin spreading to fill that space and add beauty to the view from the sprogget’s playroom. Planting the gotu kola there means I can harvest it more frequently than I have been able to harvest it from a pot since there’ll simply be more of it to harvest, and it won’t be able to spread too far since the growing space is contained by retaining wall and pavers. Out the front on a steep hill where there has been some pretty bad erosion caused by foot traffic killing the grass I also planted some rosemary (a prostrate variety that spreads to 2m and a bushy variety), with some pennyroyal (spreading) and yarrow (spreading). I want to stabilise that hill before Winter brings heavy rains that will wash all that sand down to our front door.

Indoors it is not beautiful either. The fittings are cheap and the workmanship is poor. I suppose it’s really to be expected when you build a huge house for very little money but it still irritates me that the carpenters didn’t hang the doors straight, the plasterers left gaps in the cornices and the electricians put the light switches in illogical places because it would use less wiring and therefore be cheaper. The floor is cheap vinyl, printed to look like wood. It’s torn and heavily marked in some areas, making it look even more tacky than it would have the day it was laid! Places like this seem so soul less to me. Still, as with the yard we are working on it…

We are doing what we can to make this soul less space a little more ours. To fill it with a bit of our soul.  There are some picture hooks on some of the walls, and so we print some of Bean’s photos to hang. There is a large jarrah dresser in the living area that came with the house, it has become home to my dipensary. Tinctures, dried herbs, essential oils, carrier oils, clays, ointments, creams, pure plant incense… I think it is beautiful, and it is convenient too since we use items from my dispensary every day.

I am trying to love this place as our “for now” home, and trying to think of it as more than simply a stage to wait out until a better life comes along. Some days that’s easy, and some days it’s terribly hard.

Today has been a nice day, we had rain overnight which cleared to bring us a sunny, warm day that was perfect for playing at the park which we did twice. There was more laughing than crying today, more co-operation than argument, and lots of love. The love is always there though, even on the days we all cry and argue…

We’re doing our best, I’m doing my best, to enjoy right now and to be very grateful for what we do have,  and right now that is a home that is much larger and more comfortable than the shed. Being rid of the shed is something I am particularly grateful for!

 

 

*Our mattress got mouldy at the shed so Sprout is the only person in our family who actually has a bed and mattress at the moment, the rest of us sleep on the floor!

**Provided the owner agrees to let us put some hooks up.

posted by wildecrafted in garden,home,journal and have No Comments